DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME: make up to stop traffic

I’m ill. I'm always ill. I’ve told anyone who will listen because I feel very, very sorry for myself and my feeble excuse for an immune system.

This morning I peered in the mirror at my dull skin, red nose and bleary eyed. Then something went snap, crackle and POPPED - it was my brain. Instead of opting for a fresh, natural look which is the way to go when you look a bit sicky, I spasmed and went insane. It was like the gods of comedy make-up paid me a visit - and boy - did they have a laugh at my expense.

If you're easily scared, close your eyes now:


Out came a neon Sleek palette, on went a fiery orange, followed by a metallic red, with magnificent purple and navy blue added to the decadent mix. I added a little Illamasqua Liquid Metal in Solstice too just to set it off. Lovely colours used in a suitable way, but all-together up to the eyebrows like a drag queen, well, not so great. I stepped back and looked in the mirror. It was like a rainbow walked up to me introduced itself, flirted a little, then threw up on my face. I tried to blend it in to soften the effect, but only managed to make it more extreme by adding bright purple all the way up to the brow. The picture doesn't do it justice at all, it was terrible. Even my flatmate was like 'dude, what’s with your face?'

So at 8.30, the time I leave for work, I had two choices. To wipe it all off and go back to mingy cold-face, or to leave my clown face on. Clocks-a-tickin’…

And so, I wore it. And courted all manner of glances along the way. I rolled up to my bus stop and cute indie boy (we exchange shy smiles every morning) gazed right at me and looked away as fast as he could. His retinas were so burnt by my hideous multicoloured gnome-face, he couldn't bare to look at me for more than a second.

I was so embarrassed by my face that I hid behind a tree, peering out every now and then to check for my bus, like a cheeky little woodnymph. Then I jumped on and looked at the floor the whole way until I arrived at work. Folorn, exhausted and feeling a bit peculiar.

Moral of the story? If in doubt, wipe it off.